This guest blog post has been written by OWLS (Overcoming Worry, Loss & Sadness). OWLS is a self referral bereavement service for children and their families experiencing grief. OWLS is funded by donations to the Jane Tomlinson Appeal and the service is free of charge for families to access.
OWLS (Overcoming Worry, Loss and Sadness) offers practical and emotional support for primary school aged children and their families who have experienced the death of a loved one. We have four strands of intervention: direct 1-to-1 bereavement therapy, family support, schools workshops and peer support activity days.
Adults may feel like they are wading through grief like a river, whereas children experience grief through ‘puddle jumping’. Children may jump in and out of that puddle of grief and the change may be appear extreme. For example, a child may appear completely grief stricken and overwhelmed and then return to their ‘normal self’ within a couple of minutes. This behaviour is completely expected and is an unconscious mechanism used to stop the child becoming completely overwhelmed by the feeling of grief.
While keeping the reality from a child may seem like the kindest thing, the sooner a child has information and explanations for difficult or changing situations, the sooner they may be able to start to make sense of it.
Consider the follow for how the news of a death may be delivered to a child:
While we cannot protect children from feelings of loss, we can help them to navigate their way through them. Give them extra reassurance that they are loved. Children who have experienced a death often feel they shouldn’t be seen to be happy or enjoying themselves for fear of upsetting someone else in the home. They may feel guilty if they are having fun, so remind them that this is a normal part of life and life goes on.
At a time when children may feel that their life is built on shifting sands, maintaining normal routines and including children in any decisions that affect them can make a big difference. It is quite natural that children may have some days out of school after a bereavement. However, school is part of their normal routine and joining in school activities with their friends can provide respite from grieving. Communicate with school to ensure that staff are aware of the circumstances surrounding the death, and any significant dates. It may be helpful to appoint a member of staff who the child can turn to when they need emotional support in school.
The absence of a loved one who has died can be felt all the more acutely when special occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays, religious holidays, Father’s Day and Mother’s Day come around. Involve children in any planning for the occasion and talk to them about how they feel it should be marked. A special occasion when you are all together provides an opportunity to talk about the person who died, share happy memories of them and talk about the grief you are all feeling.
It is completely normal for children to experience feelings of loss and grief following a bereavement. Some experts suggest that it’s to be expected that these feelings may well last up to six months without cause for concern. However, if a child has suffered a traumatic bereavement, is struggling to cope, is displaying concerning behaviour, or the grief seems to be enduring for a longer period, help is available from our OWLS Bereavement Service.
We accept self-referrals from families, GPs, schools and other agencies – further detail and referral forms can be downloaded from our website.
